Family Fight Round 6: Listening To Your Corner

Listening To Your Corner-Family Fight Round 6: Part 1

Have you ever noticed how powerful words are…scripture tell us “That words travel through space and time…even to other worlds through prayer.”

  • It’s fascinating how humans connect with each other through this vehicle of communication…
  • The word communication comes from the etymology of the word community which comes from the same etymology as communion…
  • We all seek communion, community and to communicate or be communicated with…

Scripture declares “Words have framed the world…”  (Hebr.11:3)

Proverbs 15:23: “Such a person knows when to mind their speech and when to speak their mind”

Proverbs 12:23: “Fools speak without understanding the debate or the subject matter. While the wise speak because they have something to say; fools speak because they have to say something. Fools broadcast their foolishness”

Proverbs 15:1: “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger”

 

In every relationship, the key, is Healthy and Good Communication. We are living in the “Communication Age” yet we must be honest or at least notice…we’re not doing a very good job at Communicating.

To have effective anything (home, marriage, church, prayer life, sermon, job portfolio) we must have good communication.

  • Communication isn’t about what is said, but more so about what is heard.
  • Some of my personal defense mechanisms kick in when I feel as if I’ve not been heard, been misunderstood or worse, Dismissed.
    • This is one of the main causes for fighting in the family.
    • So, I feel as if I’m obligated to try and explain myself which rarely works.
    • It might just well be, not just what my family heard, but what I meant.
  • Now this is tough and maybe not even fair…but I am responsible for what they heard.
    • You may say, you’re right that isn’t fair.
    • But people will not relate to you based on what you say, they are going to relate to you based on what they heard.
    • They will even have to forgive you based on what they heard, not on what you said.

Relationships aren’t solely built on what you do, what you say, your intentions or even what you mean.  So much of the dynamics in a relationship is based on what they hear, what they sense, what they feel, what they interpret.

What a person hears is a great way for you to know how they perceive what and how you feel about them!

How do we approach this problem:

  • Except responsibility for what they heard and reinforce your acceptance and love for them. Then re-communicate only the essentials.
  • Understand that communication starts with the health of the relationship! Way before words are ever spoken!
  • Also be self-aware of your own personal health and well-being…take responsibility for it. It will have a huge influence on what you hear and what you say.

Communication is Never Static it is always Dynamic…if it is going to be effective:

  • I’ve learned in family you can’t speak the same way to each person in the family…
  • being a dad of boys, I’m having to learn the communication that relates to girls and I’m doing it as a grandfather.
  • So old dogs better learn new tricks or you’ll not be heard by a generation you are in love with…

Communicating in Marriage

  • We all have these inner hungers and desires…
    • In boxing or any sport reference you’ll hear often…
    • He or she was just hungry…
    • It is the craving, the desire, the passion to and for something greater than someone else…
    • Nike Olympics Commercial – Winning isn’t for Everyone…
      • Many people won’t win at marriage…they may not get a divorce…but their relationship could be so much greater if they’d lean to communicate
      • At Parenting
      • Won’t win at Family…because they aren’t willing to do what it takes to win.
    • It’s important to understand that each person, even the person you married is looking for:
      • Love
      • Meaning
      • Destiny
      • trying to figure out how to connect to another human or to someone greater than ourselves.
      • make sense of life and find something to do that matters. We call it Purpose!
      • Jesus put it this way: “Those and hunger for righteousness shall be filled.”
      • In relationships you are looking for LIFE through CONNECTION
        • In every relationship there must be CONNECTION, To Grow in This Church it will Require Connecting to God and to Others
      • To have a great marriage you must be willing to have conversations around these things, you must care about these things.
      • Here is the mistake we make. We think we must be the solution to those needs and you don’t and you probably can’t be.  We just must be the partner that helps find those solutions to those needs.
      • Listen, it is a very unfair burden to put on another person for unconditional love…only Jesus can truly fulfill that…we will fail at this when loving another person.
        • I heard John Maxwell tell the story that Margaret his wife told a group of people when asked the question: “Does John make you happy?” Her response was NO…I learned a long time ago if I was dependent on John or anyone else to make me happy, I would always be controlled by others, even those who love me.”  But she continued in the same breath, “John does add greatly to may happiness.” 
      • Now we are to love deeply – simply defined is put someone before yourself to help them know love, discover the journey of purpose, asking how I can help my spouse live out their dreams.
        • Listen you haven’t begun to live until you truly begin to live your life for other people.
        • That is the beauty of family, it is the greatest place to live your life for someone other than yourself.
        • You’ll begin to discover greater meaning.

As your children mature your role and language in their life changes as well.

  • You have to give space for your child to grow…
    • Train up a child – this is the cords, ropes, we put around trees that cause them to grow straight and produce a stable root system…the cords around the tree are much more so for what is below the surface as it is for what everyone sees.
      • We desire the tree to grow tall, strong and straight….
      • But the training for those things starts in the root system, not in what everyone sees
      • So, you have to be willing to have conversations about Root Values, Root Causes, Root issues.
      • Jesus shared a parable of a guy who was going to lose a fig tree and the man in the parable said, “let me fertilize, or deal with the roots for a year and then we can address what is above the surface if the tree doesn’t begin to flourish.”
    • We must give others in our home, especially our children, space to grow and not keep them in the space we prefer, we fondly view them as…
    • The exchange as a parent is like this: Your child is building trust, and you are releasing respect….
    • This is usually displayed early on, in the way our communication changes with our children.
  • Communicating in Family whether with Spouse or kids…
    • You want to communicate and express You Matter…Significance.
      • Significance begins at home, not outside of the home…
      • We as parents and spouses must communicate to our family you are significant, and you have significance to me personally, in our family and to others…
    • Ways In Which We Communicate
      • Body Language
        • Posture Communicates and Speaks of Character
          • Confidence
          • Arrogance
          • Insecurity
          • Fear
          • Honesty
          • Laziness
        • Attitude
          • A Persons attitude comes through their posture
          • Positive
          • Negative
          • Anger
          • Joy
          • Teachability
        • Facial Expressions Speak to other louder than our words….
      • Listening
        • “Great Leaders need to ask God for ears like the Prophet Samuel.”
        • Emphatic Listening
          • Listen with the intent to understand
            • Most people listen and filter everything through their life experiences
            • Hurt
            • Frustrations
            • Childhood
            • Memories
            • Culture
          • A Father once told me…”I just don’t understand my kid. He just won’t listen to me.” 
            • You don’t understand your son because he won’t listen to you?”
            • That’s what I said, He impatiently replied.
            • I thought that to understand another person you need to listen to them. I suggested.
            • This man didn’t have a clue of what was going on in his sons’ head.

 

  • The great men and women of the bible’s lives were changed because they learned to listen…to hear…hear God and hear others!
  • 4 Simply Stated Helps – but not always easy to do
    • Be Available – this means being present if not they will turn to someone who is.
    • Leave Distractions Behind – listen carefully to the problem with patience and an undivided attention. You can hear the tone or see the posture of the person and know I have to lay down all my distractions right now…
    • Communicate with Love
    • Refrain from Judging prematurely…listen if you respond to quickly in judgmental words, tones, or facial expressions you just killed the conversation.
  • In 1995 scientist discovered a blue whale – who later became known as the loneliest whale alive…because this particular whale was communicating at a frequency that other blue whales could not hear…so this blue whale could pass right by another blue whale and not hear each other or communicate to one another…now blue whales can typically hear each other up to 1,000 miles away….

So, the question is asked, is it possible for humans to transmit on different frequencies and pass right by each other, never hearing one another….

  • Is your family on different frequencies?
  • I wonder this morning if God is trying to communicate with you but we are constantly changing the channel?
  • It might be time to Tune In

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